To rest

In Daddy's Hands












The visitation and funeral were very hard. To see the sweet, pure, innocent face whose eyes will never open in this life again was heart-wrenching. We were all a mess and it was heart-breaking to see my tall, strong brothers with stooped shoulders and tears pouring in agony. It was especially hard to see Michael and Jennifer sitting together in front of their son who was tucked into a white coffin in a snuggly blue doggie fleece. He was wearing the sweetest outfit and had a blue hat on. He really looked like he was sleeping.

Valerie was in such torment, we had to go to another room, my mom joined us, she was in agony as well. In fact, of us all, I think she surely shed the most tears. So there we sat. We three in private mourning, holding and caressing each other hoping to offer some measure of comfort.

I knelt down in front of Michael and Jennifer and told them they would see Gavin again- I believe they will with all my heart.

The funeral was raw with emotion and the catholic priest offered prayers and very little in words. My words were said in hopes of giving hope and perspective. It was a very hard talk that I wrote and rewrote again and again because I was trying to speak to the heart of those in attendance without becoming distracting in my own beliefs in the Gospel that in this case, would not have been understood as well as speaking with sincerity to the heart. My own hopes were that I succeeded. I was asked for copies of the talk and Michael and Jennifer both thanked me. I was uplifted by Jennifer's remarks telling of treasured moments of their son's brief life and her assurance that the great sadness is not nearly so much as the great love and joy they felt with the birth and life of Gavin.

The heartbreak continued in seeing my brother, Joshua and my step-father carrying together that tiny white coffin to the huge hearse. It just did not seem right, but Joshua did wonderfully and never in my life have I seen my step-father cry. He, like many of us- including the Marine Corps recruiter were sobbing. The funeral home director said "this is my job and I can separate myself generally, but the death of such a pretty baby really shakes me."
My grandmother fainted after walking by the coffin and I broke down in sobs after my final kiss was placed to Gavin's sweet forehead. My aunt Sally came to me and held me for a long time. I have not seen her since 1999.

My hope is to be kinder and more loving from henceforth forever.

The world is to unpredictable and often unkind for me to be anything but loving.

My talk is copied below:

In life, we all have our own experiences that shape who we are, influence our lives and make us, in essence, who we are. Sometimes there are some experiences that tie us to other people as with tangible bonds. The birth of a child by a loved one is one of those events, death of a loved one is another. In those events, the life on which our focus lies touches each and every person in a similar way.

Some of us have little experience with the loss of those we love, others have almost too much, it would seem. Michael lost a grandfather 2 months ago while attending the Marine Corps Recruit Training, a 25 year old brother 2 weeks ago and Saturday, his sweet and precious son.
In all these cases, we learn to better love one another, strengthen each other and hope those feelings are not fleeting, but rather a moment from which we are better for it all the rest of our lives.

Love is the most-powerful force on this earth, and our experiences with it are what long-term and treasured memories are made of. It is the one secret to happiness- to have and to be able to give- love.

I am 10 years older than my youngest brother, Michael, and I remember everything about him as a baby, toddler, and little boy… Something almost magic happens when you are that much older than a sibling, and a measure of love is borne akin to that of a parent.

I want to share with you a feeling of love so real, it was as if you could reach out and touch it. When I was 19, I went off to college, over the Christmas Holidays, my mom invited our family to attend a program Michael and Josh were participating in. I sat with my family in the front and cried with tenderness as my littlest brothers sang and smiled about the birth of Christ. I was so full of love for all of my family in those moments, and I was very aware of it. I have often relived that experience in my mind.

Later, Michael went home with me. We were riding in my then-fiance’s 2 seater car, so Michael and I occupied the passenger seat together. He sat on my lap, we two- seat belted together for an hour in the dark, quiet night. I remember again, being very aware of the great love I had for my little brother as he fell asleep, leaning back against me- his breath steady, his eyes closed, giving him the look of an angel. It is a moment I will never forget. In my heart, I hoped that he would feel my love for him and that one day he would feel this love for someone too. I also hoped he would never experience heart break.

I got to know Jenn over the internet. Her love for my brother and for the baby that they were having made me love her instantly. I am impressed that she is so articulate, kind, thoughtful and that she is so dedicated to those she cares about. I met Jenn before Christmas and her happiness and optimism were awe-inspiring to me. I wrote my brother in Marine Corps recruit training offering my gushing approval and his reply was that he has never doubted his love and devotion for, in his own words, “the best person I have known.” I remain so grateful that he has this love in his life.

When Gavin was born, we were all touched by how absolutely in love with Gavin, Michael and Jennifer were. I realized for certain, my little brother absolutely was experiencing the kind of love I had hoped for and in ways that I dared not even hope for.

I am sure every single person here is feeling the same sorts of thoughts and emotions right now, in this experience, we are all tied together. Probably some things all of us have been asking are:
“why would this happen to such a precious, sweet soul and to amazing parents?”
“when will this heart ache subside”
“what can we do?”

I have asked these questions time and again myself. I have asked many of my friends, collegues, and spiritual mentors why God would allow this to happen and each and everyone says the same thing “I don’t know.”

What I do know is that God loves us all and He himself knows just what it is like to lose a truly perfect and innocent son.

He knows the anguish, the sadness, the heart break… perhaps we will not understand this incomprehensible part of life while we are still living it, but I keep feeling that the answer is somewhere deep in this scripture “For God SO LOVED THE WORLD that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Of sudden death, the Song-Writer, Cynthia Clawson wrote:
GOD is Too wise to be mistaken.
GOD is too good to be unkind
So, When you don't understand
And When you can't see HIS plan
And When you can't trace HIS hand
Trust HIS Heart



Last Sunday, while in mournful prayer all day long, I knew, with absolution, that Gavin passed into the peaceful night knowing he was amazingly loved, truly wanted and that he will see his mommy and daddy again. They will know amazing joy when reunited- I am sure of it. In that knowledge, I have been given such peace and gratitude, it is perhaps the only comfort I have known in this situation. In the time between now and then, we must remember the promise of everlasting life and do what we should to be worthy of it.

As for heartache, it will likely bring most of us sadness and tears all of our years as we remember our loss of this sweet angel, but with time, our pain will be eased. Again, it is something that ties us all together. Gavin is being mourned from California to Washington DC, and likely far beyond. He is also being welcomed and looked after by those who have gone before him in ways that bring me much peace.

What we can do is something our heart will reveal to each of us in a personal manner. If we have an urge to call those we love but have not spoken with for a while, we should do that. If we want to share an experience of getting through heartache, we should do that too, if we want to sit and write a heart-felt letter to those who are hurting most, we should do that also.

We should seek refuge in prayer, contemplation and meditation and come out of it better for having been here to know a part of the short life of this sweet baby too good for this earth. We should seek to strengthen each other in these moments because on this earth, we are indeed, God’s hands. It is important to also remember that we are IN God’s hands as well.

I would like to close by sharing with you something Jennifer wrote that has touched me deeply and given me great peace and love in this unimaginable situation…

“The only real peace we have is that they say he went painlessly and peacefully and just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Also that the last thing he heard was good night sweetheart Mommy and Daddy love you.”

Now we must love them